Scared, an impending sense of doom, unsure of what I want

I recently told someone that if I didn’t get into grad school, I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. As I have been thinking about it, if I do get into graduate school, I may still be unsure.

Stupid books and reading.

So I have been reading Donald Miller’s book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years after reading Rob Bell’s Velvet Elvis. So Rob messed me up because he has me thinking about Christianity, about following Jesus in a new light, and Don has me thinking about what kind of story I am living.

I was done before I ever showed up for work on Tuesday, the 16th. Just done. I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt like I was being pulled down to the earth by little yellow rubber bands; if only I could break free, I could float, but then I would float, and keep on floating, and then what? Where would I go and where would I end up?

I’m feeling onery because of it, but Don has me thinking about my story; how big is it? What do I spend my time on?

Honestly, money.

What do I mean?

I check my bank account every day, I check my stocks every day, and check my mint.com account everyday, and look at my debt to cash ratio. I save money in the bank, think about my spending.

Thank goodness for Mint; I wasn’t following any kind of budget, and my bank account and my credit cards weren’t being reconciled. That is really bad. I needed to start thinking about my spending and about my future.

What kind of future do I want?

I haven’t been on a vacation in years. Last vacation was driving up the coast to San Francisco; we had an amazing Italian meal outside of Visalia (I think). That was 3 months after going to Italy for the first time. When my buddy mentioned my need for a vacation, all I could think about was my need to hold dear to my vacation time. I don’t know what I am saving it for, though. I have been fidgety and I think that this is the reason why.

I don’t know what I am living for.

Why am I waking up everyday? In some ways, I enjoy the sunshine, I enjoy the weather and living, existence and kisses and a good, strong, cabernet. But what is the point of it all?

Since I quit seminary, I have felt a bit aimless. I don’t know what it is that I want.

I mean, I know what I want. You know – meat, sex, red wine and good beer. Actually, an orgy of meat. Different animals roasted and fried – bacon, sausage, steaks, mutton, chicken legs and wings;I could almost die happy.

Actually, I want to be Chuck. Chuck is a character on a TV show of the same name, a Stanford (almost) grad with a great intellect and visual memory who receives a computer’s worth of information downloaded into his head via encoded images. He has the ability to recall based on visual or audio cues, and later, based on emotional cues. He is a nerdy guy.

He does extraordinary things for a mostly unextraordinary guy. That is what I want to be. The regular Joe who becomes the amazing James. I want to be more than me. I want to have a bigger story.

Maybe the wanting to be more than me isn’t something outside of me, maybe it is really being fully me. Rather than becoming someone else, maybe what my real desire is is to really, fully, and truly, to be me, with all my quirks and passions, and to let them go.

So what’s my story? Big. Adventure. Learning. Traveling. Knowing. Humility. That’s fun and makes for a good indie movie, but I want a bigger story – much bigger. I want an epic story.

How does this all fit together? I save money and time but I don’t know what I am saving it for. I don’t know what I am supposed to do with it when I get it. My budget includes everyday things, but little in the way of looking at the future, enjoying my time here and leaving something meaningful behind.

I am always looking out there somewhere, being overwhelmed, and then trying to forget. It’s like looking out at the stars, and when that gets overwhelming, staring at your feet. The purpose of looking up and looking down is to find the path between them, and I forgot that. You can look at your feet and then at the mountain, but when you find that path, you’ve only climbed that mountain. It is important, to be sure, but not where I want to stop.

I want to visit the stars. Star Visitors change the world – people know the names their names, and are inspired to go even further. I don’t know what my stars are, but I have to find them. I can’t be satisfied until I do.

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